


Casualties of the Bad and Bloody

by Annie_Eliza



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 13x11 coda, Angst, Depressed Sam Winchester, Episode: s13e11 Breakdown, F/M, Gen, Grieving Sam Winchester, Loss, One Shot, POV Sam Winchester, Saileen - Freeform, dark place, hints of destiel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2019-03-09 15:31:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13484457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annie_Eliza/pseuds/Annie_Eliza
Summary: "This ends one way for us, Dean. It ends bloody. It ends bad."





	Casualties of the Bad and Bloody

**Author's Note:**

> I am so glad we got to see some of what Sam is going through to the point I was inspired to write this angsty one-shot. Hope you enjoy!

Every time Sam closes his eyes, he sees the people he’s lost.

 

At 4:24 am, he thinks of Kaia. Kaia’s their most recent casualty. A kid, one who had been through so much crap and had been terrified of them. A hero, one who had saved their lives as well as Claire’s, taking an arrow to the chest before letting out her pained and gurgled last breaths. Her death was unnecessary and it was on them.

 

At 4:58 am, he thinks of Jack, the boy he promised to look after and protect, even if he had just silently promised himself. Sam _misses_ him. All the kid had tried to do was help because he considered them his family. He had never even met their mother and wanted to save her anyway. And now he was gone. Even though Jack took the initiative to find Derek and Kaia and searched for a way to go to the other worlds, he wouldn’t have gone looking if it weren’t for the fact he wanted to help them get their mother back.

 

And their mom. She enters his thoughts at 5:30 am. She’s been hard to think about, even before they knew for sure she was alive. Once their mom entered their lives again, when it had never been a possibility in their eyes, all Sam had wanted was to form a relationship with her. He always wanted a mom growing up. He didn’t hurt like Dean and their father had. He didn’t miss her like they did. But he ached over not having memories to make him miss her. He had never gotten to know her. He had been robbed of the chance. And once it became a reality? Once she had been ripped out of Heaven for Dean as some sort of gift? Sam had thought they’d get something good for once. That _he’d_ get to know her. All he had wanted was to talk to her. To listen to every story she was willing to tell, to accept any bit of affection she was willing to give.

 

It hadn’t worked out the way that they thought it would. And Sam understood where she had been coming from, he did. He understood more than Dean, who had felt betrayed and taken her departure like a slap to the face. Sam had felt hurt, guilty that they weren’t enough to put her mind at ease, but he had understood and tried to be supportive by letting her know he was there for her, that he cared. Yet when she wanted to talk, she always called Dean.

 

And that stung more than any slap to the face could. Even this long after her last “I love you” before falling through the portal, he could still feel that sting and resentment. He could feel the guilt because maybe he should have been needier, more selfish, called her out like Dean had, or demanded to be treated like a son and not just a fellow hunter. Or maybe it’s on him. Maybe it had been him who hadn’t been enough.

 

Charlie enters his mind at 5:59. Kevin enters his mind at 6:15. Crowley enters his mind at 6:32. Bobby enters his mind at 6:46, while Jessica, Madison, and Sarah pile into his brain all at once around 7:03. Cas enters his mind at 7:14 am even though they have him back, despite how he’s taken off again. He’s surprised Dean’s not climbing the walls and leaving passive aggressive voicemails for their friend, who has only been answering occasionally and cordially. Or maybe Dean is and Sam’s just not witnessed them. There seems to be a lot that he misses with those two, but he’s pretty sure he misses less than they think.

 

Eileen enters his mind at 7:30 am. When her face pops up in his head and he can’t shake the thought of her, his eyes get wet for the first time and he sniffles into his pillow. Her death had hurt more than he could voice. Dean had teased him, thought they were “cute” when he saw them FaceTime. But Dean didn’t see Sam take his laptop into his room to talk to her for hours in between cases, where she would be teaching him to sign one second, showing him her Gaelic sword collection the next, only to argue with him over Breaking Bad being better than The Wire, even though Sam never figured out how they got around to comparing them to begin with. He didn’t see the text messages between them, ones where Sam and Eileen had practically bared their souls to each other. Their hopes, their passions, their worries and fears. He wasn’t in Sam’s room the night before Eileen went back to Ireland. He didn’t see them kiss for the first time and hold each other until sunrise.

 

Dean may have known that Sam’s relationship with Eileen was something past friendship; he might have seen the glances and flirtations enough to provide silent support and let Sam take the lead when she died, but Dean still doesn’t know how much Sam really cared for her. It had been so long since he felt romantic feelings for someone, and he definitely felt them for her. But it had been even longer since he had a friend who was mainly his - someone he felt he could truly confide in without his brother finding out sooner or later, as much as Sam loves him. There may have been potential with Eileen, a potential that Sam will never truly know the extent of. But even though he only knew her for a year and most of their conversations happened from a distance, she had been one of the best friends Sam ever had.

 

He’s honestly surprised he didn’t bawl on the damn post office steps once he read her letter. Maybe it had been Dean’s already sad, pitying eyes that kept him from breaking completely. Maybe it had been the threat of the British Men of Letters killing their mom and their remaining friends. Maybe it had just been Sam becoming desensitized. He should have expected it. He should have _warned_ her.

 

_Run away. Don’t look back. Don’t get involved with the likes of me. You deserve so much better._

 

Normal people making friends is expected. Socially acceptable. For the Winchesters, it’s selfish. It’s signing someone else’s death warrant.

 

At 8:22 am, he hears Dean shout from the other side of his bedroom door.

 

“Yo, I’m making pancakes! How many do you want?”

 

Sam doesn’t answer.

 

At 10 am, Sam decides that lying in a dark room with no windows is making him feel worse but he makes no move to get up until his cell vibrates on the bedside table. Donna. Her niece. Missing. Not their thing, but she asks for their help anyway.

 

And Sam gets on with his morning. He won’t let Donna face the loss that they experience over and over again if he can help it.

 

* * *

 

It ends up being their thing. It’s one of the most disturbing cases Sam has ever worked. He gets strapped to a table and his heart sells for 500k. He thinks he should be more afraid at the prospect of being shot in the head only to be dismembered and gauged of his organs. There’s a part of him that is. Sam doesn’t want to die, not in the way Dean wants to from time to time. He still wants to save Mom and Jack, even though they would have been better off not knowing them.

 

But he’s still so tired. He feels the ache of it in his bones, in his chest - right where his heart is pumping for what might be the last time.

 

The buyer is probably getting cheated. Maybe there’s something faulty with it. He wonders if they’ll taste the ache once they take their first bite.

 

The shot rings through the room like a blast. The sound echoes in Sam’s ears, filling his head with static. The distraction the static provides would be a comfort if it weren’t for the split second he believes he’s dead again until he opens his eyes.

 

* * *

 

While Sam’s heart aches with loss and pain and maybe over the residual fear of it almost getting cut out of him, Donna’s heart gets broken. Cracking more with every step Doug takes away from her as tears fill her eyes, she calls out his name and pleads for him to wait.

 

“Let him go,” he says, “Donna, when you choose this life, eventually they get hurt. Or worse. So let him go. He’ll be safer that way.”

 

And he means it. He means every word. Dean thinks he was hard on her, probably that he hurt her even more. But Sam cares about Donna. He doesn’t want her to become another Winchester casualty and he definitely doesn’t want her to experience casualties of her own. He’s keeping her broken heart from shattering completely. It’s not too late for her.

 

He wishes he could say the same. He wanted to believe they could live happier lives, even if they were never normal. But he knows better now. He’s not going to pretend anymore.

 

It ends one way for them. Bad and bloody. Sam can’t change that. But he can make sure they don’t take anyone else down with them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you'd like to let me know what you think, I'd really appreciate it. :)


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